


Dependent

by Haileybuns_Haven



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Character's Name Spelled as Viktor, M/M, POV Victor Nikiforov, Panic Attacks, VictUuri
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2019-01-18 03:53:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12380355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haileybuns_Haven/pseuds/Haileybuns_Haven
Summary: Viktor still has a lot to learn about opening up to others.Especially to Yuuri.





	Dependent

Everything worked out fine, in the end. Thank god. Makkachin was okay, everything was okay. Makka’s safe now and promises to stay away from any more steamed buns—really, she does.

She’s fine. She’s healthy. She’s here.

Everything’s fine.  
Everything’s fine.

Until Viktor realizes that it’s 2 in the morning and he’s still awake. 

Until he realizes that oh, his throat burns. And there’s a pressure behind his eyes that he can’t understand. His head hurts. His body feels heavy. So, so heavy. And oh god, why does his chest ache? 

Oh god oh god he’s dying he’s dying he’s dyinghe’sdyinghe’s—

He can’t breathe—

He hates it. He hates it so much—

Nothing is fine. 

Yuuri. Where is Yuuri? He’s not here he’s not here he’s not here, with him. Where he should be. He’s so far away and Viktor hates it. 

He can’t breathe he can’t breathe. 

And god his brain will not shut. up. 

“He’s not here for a reason, and you know what that reason is.”

_No, no—he’s competing, he. He couldn’t be here._

“He’s going to leave,”

 _No._

“He’s going to grow tired of you.”

_No, no._

“Just like they did. Just like everyone did, just like everyone always has and always will.”

_Please. Please stop please stop please stop—_

“You’re just too much.”

_Stopstopstopstop—_

“What’s wrong with you?”

And oh, god. Now. Now he’s sobbing. Clenching his pillow in his fists so tightly they burn. His entire body is shaking from sobbing, his eyes burn from being squeezed shut, his body is just so, so tense and so fucking tired. 

_What’s wrong with me?_

_Why am I not good enough_

Why  
Why  
Why 

_Why doesn’t anybody stay_

 

“What’s wrong with me. What’s wrong with me??”

He presses the pillow closer to his body, holding onto it as though it’ll hold him right back, cradle him, shelter him.

“Why did they all leave...” 

And god how he wants Yuuri now. How simple it would be to just pick up his phone and call him, see him. 

“No. You can’t depend on him. You’ll push him away. You pushed everyone else away. You depended on them too much. Look what happened.”

No. He can’t call. He can’t. Dangerous. Too dangerous.

He rolls onto his back, and feels hot tears stream down into his hair. He’s too exhausted to even attempt to wipe them away. What’s the use? 

He can hardly breathe, he’s so congested. The one person he wants, the one person he needs right now is the one person he can’t have.

“Selfish. You’re so selfish. You’re 27 years old and you still need to call someone to calm you down after crying? You’re no better than a child that wets the sheets.” 

And what would Yuuri, what would anyone want with someone like that?

And oh.

That feeling is back.

That feeling of complete and utter nothingness.

That feeling of understanding and acceptance that always comes after.

That “ah, you’re right. Why would he want that. I’ll be better. I’ll be better for him,” that sticks with him every time.

He’s not sure if he loves it for taking the ache away or if he hates it for taking any sort of feeling whatsoever.

Maybe both.

He stares up at the ceiling, and focuses on his breathing. Amazed at how clear his head feels so suddenly.

“I got through it,” he thinks.

_But did I? Did I get through it or did I just...shut down?_

Although, both work, in the end. 

He’s not crying anymore, and that’s a good thing, right? That’s what people want, right? That’s what Yuuri would want. 

He feels a small smile on his lips. Yes. Yes he’s done the right thing. There was no need to bother Yuuri with that. He handled it.

He just needs to get better. He needs to. 

He will. 

Stop depending on him. Stop depending on others. It only pushes them away. Don’t you want to be better for them? 

Yes, yes of course he does.

He wants to be better.

**Author's Note:**

> *Has a panic attack at 2 in the morning* hahA OK TIME TO WRITE 
> 
>   [Fast Car](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6qIvzeNPxk)
> 
>   [The Story Never Ends](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZTRANMcKXM)
> 
>   [White Silence](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VaukH3XtNZA)
> 
> ((I promise, Viktor wakes up to an 'I love you' text from Yuuri the next morning and realizes that he's overthinking))


End file.
